Special to Hillsboard.com

In a bid to stem an ever-increasing budget crisis, Superintendent MaryEllen Eila announced today that the district will begin selling beer and alcoholic beverages to senior high and adult students. Pending board approval, sales will begin April 13, the first day back after Easter Break.

Faculty lounges will have their own cash bars.

District spokesman Stephen Hegarty made the announcement while flanked by two liquor distributors and August Busch XVII. Said Hegarty, “We will pattern our efforts as demonstrated by flight attendants. During each hour of instruction, our teachers will push a cart through each classroom aisle selling beer and cocktails. Light beer and low-calorie mixers will be available to the health conscious.”

When asked about serving drinks to minors, Hegarty replied, “We no longer trust any law or directive created in Tallahassee. As a government agency ourselves, we are entitled to display the same level of disfunction.”

The district hoped to generate $15 million before June 30, thereby stemming the need for immediate teacher furloughs. After sipping her third martini, CTA executive director Yvonne Lyons almost grinned.

Outraged parents reacted quickly to the news by forming a contra group called PABST or Parents Against Beer, Shots, and Tequilla. PABST leader Becki Bacardi was quoted as saying, “My teenagers can’t afford this. They spend too much money now on cell phones and video games.”

Late this afternoon, a reporter tracked board member Susan Valdes to the Green Iguana Bar and Grill. Valdes enthusiastically endorsed the Superintendent’s proposal, though cautioning that liquor and beer supplier diversity was a concern. “Will they serve Corona?” she asked.

In other local news, Tampa Mayor Pam Iorio directed that all Lowry Park Zoo executive board meetings be televised, matching her directive that Tampa Sports Authority board meeting be “in the Florida Sunshine.” Said Iorio, “I want the public to view public meetings so we all know which board members are dumber than a sack of lava lumps.”

posted by admin @ 5:59 PM